The Righting Reflex

It's human nature to want to be right.  To believe we have this control over our lives and are living it "correctly."  Every time we are proven to be right, we breathe a sigh of relief.  But on the occasion that our beliefs are challenged, we second guess ourselves -- even just for an instant.  Then vehemently attempt to validate our case.  It seems as though we are trying to prove our opponents wrong but it may actually be that we're trying to prove ourselves right.  Because each time our beliefs are found to be mistaken, a little bit of, not just our ego, but our confidence in ourselves as well, shrinks.

In the case of subjective arguments -- such as those most couples experience -- the situation isn't as easily rectified.  It's not a simple black-and-white case of "who was the 13th president?" or "weren't we supposed to make a right instead of a left?"  It's usually centered around one party's seeming transgression that the other party identifies, then either chooses to react to or forget.

The range of such transgressions are so wide and ever-changing that it would be impossible to even compile a list.  They are subjective and circumstantial which also makes them infinitely flexible.  Forgetting to make a phone call one random day wouldn't bear nearly the same weight as forgetting that phone call on someone's birthday.  But because they are so subjective, it's possible and quite probable, that one party might not even agree to define an act as condemnable as the other party would.

When I am upset about an action for some reason, I react how one would normally act if one were upset.  I have to let the other person know why I feel this way and what spurred it.  But upon reflection not too long afterward, I second guess myself.  I wonder if my reaction was even justified in the first place or maybe  exaggerated.  I enter a mode of self-debate.  Fabricating reasons as to why I shouldn't have responded that way.  Then countering those reasons with vindicating arguments for my feelings and actions.  I become so absorbed in the "correctness" of my conduct, that the actual act in question loses its value.

The focus is then shifted to all the other actions that have sparked my attention.  I begin deliberating about prior incidents and my responses to them -- attempting to average out the actions and the reactions and weighing their justifications against each other.  And although I've spent a little too much time to openly admit dwelling on this internal conflict, I've finally realized that the conclusion I've been trying to find is actually a trivial one.  One that can't actually be found.

But all this ruminating hasn't entirely been in vain.  The more significant realization is that the person I'm usually accusing of being in the wrong, doesn't have to argue about whether he thinks he is or isn't.  He acknowledges the way I feel instead, and tries to rectify the situation as best and as quick as he can.  And that is what truly makes him great.  Not the fact that he never makes mistakes, but the fact that he can set aside that relentless compulsion to be right all the time and see the situation from my perspective as well.

Losing Touch

Social networking.  Pretty much the hot topic of the year.  I guess it's alright.  Revolutionary in the scheme of things.  Wouldn't be writing this here without it.

But it probably has the most confusing role in my life.  It can go from being my sole communicator, to being the bane of my existence.  Granted, it's never completely absent from my life.  I just take different approaches depending on my mood.

When I moved here away from my friends, it became the primary access to my old life.  But once I established a friendship circle here, it became a way of learning a bit about people I've just met.  It only transformed to an annoyance when I became tired of the hackneyed status updates and photo montages.  I viewed facebook as a place for people to brag, whine, or establish a façade.  Instead of browsing through the endless news feed of trash, I yearned for something concrete and genuine.  But being the clearly reasonable person that I am, I retreated from the only thing that could achieve my wish: chatting.

I didn't stop checking facebook.  No, no.  That would be too logical.  Plus, my compulsive habit was too overwhelming.  But instead, I just permanently set my status to offline and left it at that.  It remained this way for a few months.  I didn't think much of changing it.  I interacted with people in real life, at uni and on the weekends.  And when I came home, just browsed through food blogs and took sanctuary in reddit with complete strangers.  I didn't recognize how empty my life was without my friends until going a while without them.

But now that my primary confidante and conversationalist is in another hemisphere (not too hard when you live in Australia), I feel alone again and have opened up the lines of communication once more.  I feel a bit silly for losing contact for so long.  Especially since the friends back home I never want to lose.  But I'll be coming back soon and really cannot wait until virtual becomes face-to-face.  Unfortunately, before that happens, I'll have to study til I experience CSF leakage and what a merry time to rediscover facebook it is!

Tasty Thinking

Seeing as how food has such a significant role in my life, I'm surprised I haven't mentioned it sooner.  But I guess its prevalence disguised its urgency as a topic.  And as I regularly read a plethora of the food blogs out there, I figured there couldn't be much more I could contribute on the subject.

Being holed up in my room studying all day, however, with nothing to do but eat to break the monotony, has led to an observation of my independent living eating habits.  Living in a share house with easy access to a kitchen is definitely a step up from the microwave meals I was limited to in my dorm.  But living and cooking by myself has its limitations as well.  I go shopping every week and have worked out my produce essentials to a very estimated--yet quite commendable--science.  I'm restricted by perishable time constraints as well as price restrictions and quantity control.  I also have no working oven, very few kitchen tools, a limited array of spices to work with, and might I add, quite a sensitive palate to satisfy.  

And nothing short of a raw pepper will do.

I don't think my creativity has been exercised this much.  I'm continuously expanding my repertoire of dishes even though they've consistently been mediocre for the most part.  Hopefully this is only due to my lack of resources and not my lack of talent...

I've also noticed a few staple food items that I cannot do without, even though I never used to think much of them.  Peanut butter for one is probably one of the most versatile ingredients but always took a back seat to any other food pairing.  Bananas were a highly underrated fruit when I lived at home.  Oatmeal was a food that I usually opted out of eating on normal occasions.  And crackers were the last resort before a big grocery shopping trip was in order.  Now, I seem to eat these foods on a regular basis.  Almost to an unhealthy excess I think.  But I believe them only to be a temporary placation of comfort foods before I go home and engorge myself on all the salty, sweet, and fatty goods America has to offer.

Piece of Mind

At this point in our lives--these almost post-teenage years--I'd like to think we have it all figured out.  Maybe not our exact careers or dream house or future partner but we hopefully have some idea of where we'd like to see ourselves 5, 10, maybe even 20 years down the road.  Right now, we at least have direction in our lives.

But besides planning our futures, we've also been established by our past.  By now, we've developed a sense of ideals, values, and beliefs.  We've been shaped by our parents, friends, life experiences, and most importantly, had a chance to explore for ourselves.

Ironically, this sense of self-achievement is quite a naïve perspective.  We're not quite as malleable as we were in our middle school/pre-teenish years...remember how awkward that was?

Ooh let's not revisit that, shall we?

But for those of us that did managed to survive that segment of our lives without too many scars, we have emerged with a stronger sense of self.  And with every passing year that we've confirmed our identity, we become more and more confident in it.  Accompanied with this confidence, is a stubbornness that also increases with each subsequent year.  We become more resilient to change and opposing ideas since we've believed in our own for so long.  Sometimes only a significant event or an epiphany is sufficient to alter our perspectives once they've been ingrained into our subconscious.

At the moment, however, we're still young enough to remain open-minded.  We are just entering a critical stage in our lives that has the capability to close us off to the suggestion of change a few more years into our future. 

Why change though?  If we've been comfortable enough with our own beliefs until now, what would make us think otherwise?

As an example... until recently, I've more or less accepted the fact that what is illegal is bad.  Just labeling something as illegal is enough to create a stigma regardless of whether or not we consider it morally inappropriate.  There are reasons it has been made illegal and we've been conditioned to avoid it so I've never really stopped and reconsidered.  But when challenged about my so called "beliefs" in a specific aspect, I stumbled and seemed to lose footing in a reliance I've maintained for years.  It's discomforting and disheartening and can be likened to losing faith in a religion.  But like religion, many matters are not clear cut or set in stone.  We may encounter multiple philosophies throughout our lifetime and zero confirmations.  We may never alter one dogma no matter the circumstance and modify another on the slightest whim.  We ultimately shape our own thinking but it's a continuous work in progress.

All In a Night's Work

3:50 AM.  Pretty appropriate time to write, wouldn't you say?  Well it's either that or get wasted so I can make a ridiculous ruckus out in public.  And I was tempted to choose the latter but I figured plenty of people have perfected that role already so why bother?

In fact, besides the injuries, embarrassments, awkwardness, and just plain annoyances that these people induce directly, they're indirectly affecting us night owls detrimentally as well.  They cause security to be on edge as soon as the sun sets just because society simultaneously breaks out the booze.  They also make everything save for a McDonald's wrapper rolling by on the street seem suspicious.

Just a couple nights ago, I ventured on an innocent trip with a few friends to the supermarket at 2 something AM, only to partake in a series of uncomfortable encounters.  First off, there was the random drunk guy who approached acting like he knew us, then requested a photo with us, and finally got pissed off when we told him we were international students.  He then staggered off to rant about us to our poor other friend who we left all alone while we just pointed and laughed.  Once he escaped the drunk guy's clutches, we witnessed some hostile exchange as security confronted the guy and we bolted out of the produce area.  Soon minding our own business in the dairy section, a huge, half-bald-half-mowhawked brute comes out of nowhere demanding to know "who was making all the noise."

 Oh, and did I mention how hot he was?

I'm sorry but I never got the memo about laughing not being permitted in Woolworths after 11 PM.  But for fear of a crushed skull, it wasn't difficult to learn.

Even though I probably have the least to worry about when going out, I still feel as if I have to act as unsuspiciously as possible around any sort of security.  A little voice in my head just reminds me to "act natural" even though I have no idea what "natural" is supposed to mean at 2 AM.  Uh drunk and nauseous?

Ooh now I get it...

But no matter how much I complain, this is sadly the established and accepted norm of society.  It employs steroidal hunks of meat and provides them with a physical outlet for all that pent up childhood anger and neglect, so in a twisted kind of way, it works.

(and no, security is not on edge because darkness is also the opportune time for nonalcoholic criminal acts... don't be silly)

Ice, Ice, Baby

Classes are over and the "study" period has commenced... meaning I finally have time to write.  But before delving into the plethora of topics I've been intending to address these past few weeks, I must revisit a peculiar incident that occurred during lectures one day.

The unpredictable climate in the R1 lecture theater can be likened to Melbourne itself.  No ventilation over the weekend can lead to stuffy Monday mornings even before the rows fill up with 300 some students all breathing heavily over their whirring laptops.  But leave the doors open over night and we might as well be having the lecture out on the lawns.  Only rarely is the temperature actually "room."

So on one of these days, a friend turned and asked, "Is it cold in here, or is it just me?"  Quite a common question really and one that you never give much thought in asking or answering.  Normally the askee would nod in concurrence and agree that the air does seem quite chilly.  Then both parties would be rest assured that neither is shivering alone.

But in this particular case, I believed the temperature to be quite moderate and responded instead with, "Um no, I think it's just you."  Not exactly the response the asker had in mind, I'm sure, but it did add a nice touch of awkwardness in the air.  I did answer the question truthfully though.  And if no one really wants to hear the alternate response then why bother offering such options anyways?

People who ask about some observable feature in their environment and then end it with "or is it just me?" seem to be seeking to normalize their senses or own observations, which is completely understandable.  But just the way in which it is done seems silly.  What happens when the other person doesn't feel the same way or observe the same phenomenon?  Then the asker is left feeling unfulfilled and possibly crazy depending on the severity of the situation.

Another quirk in an established phrase used so often that it loses its absurdity.  Next time I'm shivering, I'll avoid the embarrassment with a simple, "hey are you cold?" ... "yeah, me neither."

Those Will Be the Best Memories

Freakin David Guetta & Kid Cudi...
I've had this topic on my mind for a while now.  Kind of touched on the subject in a previous post but finally taking the time out of my precious study session (hah) to write since it's been so appropriate as of late.

So there are a plethora of unwritten rules for really random situations from ordering soup from Soup Kitchen International to using a urinal (apparently).  No one explicitly talks about it but everyone just knows the protocol anyway.  So I was curious, is there a universal hook-up etiquette?

Let's start with the definition of a "hook-up."  I suppose it may vary slightly, but to my understanding, a hook-up can range from kissing to anything before fully having sex.  It must be spontaneous or irregular and include very minimal talking.  Personality exploration implies date.

There are 2 types of hook-ups.  The party hook-up (self-explanatory) and the fun buddy. Once the latter progresses to actual sex, they are no longer considered hook-ups.  They've moved into the eff buddy zone and that's a whole other ball park I'd prefer to steer clear from.

To state the obvious, the hook up tends to be assisted by alcohol.  It can last just one kiss, the entire night, or occur between multiple different people, depending on the sleaziness of the parties involved.

From what I can extrapolate from observation and experience, the night of the hook-up is pretty unreal.  All of a sudden you're kissing a random stranger and you're oddly okay with that.  In fact, you're more than okay with it.  You encourage it.  At least, for that night.  The aftermath is the most interesting part of a hook-up, I think.

It's quite easy for a hook-up to escalate to sex but both parties might not be okay with that which might make for an awkward situation.  Best policy is to state that explicitly I think.

So now if both people are on the same page... no sex, no strings attached, just lip action, then you're both in the clear.  That is the epitome of a good hook-up.  It's conveying that information that can get a little sticky.

If there does happen to be some probing...not that kind you sicko.  Personality probing...one or both people might want/expect the hook-up to elevate to the next level.  Cool if both do.  Crap if only one does.  Oh and double crap if you will see this person afterward on a regular basis.

Now we enter the weird chasing/avoidance stage.  Both people will be looking out for the other.  But while Person A will be hoping to see Person B, Person B will be looking to get the hell out Person A's peripherals.  Neither will approach the other and just let their thoughts form crazy assumptions.

So is that alcohol-induced night of amusement worth all the awkwardness and headache?  Personally, I just love awkwardness and ibuprofen.  But to make it easier on all of us, maybe we should establish some inherent rules.  Some might already be in place via common sense but I've noticed that most people are lacking a bit in that area.

Ceebs writing them now though.

Best Acquaintance Forever?

This is probably not the best time to be writing since I should be studying for my exam tomorrow morning but when has that ever stopped me right?  You can't really get much more bad-ass than this right here.

All procrastination aside, I really just need to present a complaint.

So facebook.  I love facebook.  You love facebook.  He/she/it loves facebook.  It's an undeniable truth.  We just can't get enough of its time-wasting, stalker-y, goodness.  Except for now.

As a compulsive facebook checker, I was just clicking through my normal routine -- scrollin down the news feed.  Then all of a sudden...pop.  An IM from an acquaintance I haven't seen/talked to in years.  Now normally I would embrace the opportunity to postpone my anatomy reading but I was actually looking forward to getting back to the 3 grades of ligament injury.  Plus, this acquaintance wasn't exactly someone I found particularly entertaining, as terrible as that sounds.

We begin with the normal "Hey!  How are you???" -- all the exaggerated punctuation marks included  (thank goodness genuine emotion can be easily concealed through the wonders of the interwebs).  She then proceeds to ask me about school so I respond with the whole Australia schpeal.  Then she hooks me into asking about her life (which I would have done out of courtesy anyway) by dropping the casual "I'm going to be switching schools too."  So I reply with the obligatory "oh really? where to?"

Now here's the part I was not prepared for.  She writes a lengthy paragraph on this crazy story about auditioning for this awesome music festival (which I've never heard of), then meeting some famous musician (who I've never heard of), and getting a full scholarship to this ivy league school (that I've never heard of).  Now don't get me wrong, it was clearly a ridiculous experience which I'm undermining by my sarcastic side comments.  But I really am happy for her.  It's just that after I commended her for this achievement, she said she had to go and then signed off.

The more I write about this event, the more I feel like an asshole.  But to get my point across, it just felt as if she contacted me to update me about her awesome life.  It was like a reminder saying, "Hey, remember me from high school?  You probably didn't think much of me then but here I am, doing great things.  You should be jealous.  And definitely not forget about me now."

So if that was the message, I received it loud and clear.  Obviously it made that much of an impact for me to stop everything and write about it.

And if not, then obviously I'm a jerk who just can't appreciate a brief, friendly chitchat.

This will make you think twice about ever IMing me again, eh?

Familiar Faces

When you're in a new setting with new names and new faces, the typical tendency would be to absorb as much as you can until things become more familiar.  You meet as many people as you can and befriend those you don't scare away.  Soon you have a reasonable group of friends or acquaintances.  But there are always those elusive few who you either see all the time and haven't actually met yet or never see (or notice) and thus, don't really know about.  Something about those familiar strangers -- maybe their abnormal height or really 80s glasses -- just captures your attention and makes noticing them unavoidable.

So in med, I'm always around the same 300 people.  And though I've made a fair few friends, there are obviously many more that I want to meet.  Here's an excerpt from a conversation I had with a guy I had seen around class but just met recently:

- "Hey what's your name?"

- "Jessica.  And yours?"

- "[random tall guy]. Wait, are you in med too?"

- "Yeah..."

- "Oh that's weird... how come I've never seen you around?"

Now I like to think that I'm a particularly observant person.  With an above average perception level perhaps.  Or at least that's what I tell myself to keep the tears away at night.

But even though it's kind of strange to actually hear that someone you've seen around quite often has never seen (or noticed) you, it's just reality.  What about all those other people you don't actually know about at the moment because you've never noticed them?  It is very likely that they're in the same situation.  Just make sure you don't let the guy who keeps calling your name know that you have absolutely no idea what his is.

Alright, that scenario really wasn't too bad.  Here's another one that involved a friend and a friend of said friend:

Friend: "Hey Jess, this is [random gay guy] and [random gay guy], this is Jess.  Have I introduced you two before?"

[SIMULTANEOUSLY] Me: "Yeah."   RGG: "No."

[awkward stare] Me: "...we met twice before this..."

RGG: "Oh really?  I don't remember..."

Usually I pretend we've never met before if the other person seems to have conveniently forgotten.  But after being introduced to each other twice, I foolishly assumed I would be somewhat imprinted in a person's memory.  It's alright though.  I'm highly observant.  I'm highly observant.  I'm highly observant.  Yeah... that's it.

The Pursuit Of

I find it fascinating how we live our lives seemingly unsatisfied.  This is not to say that we are all inherently ungrateful and malcontent.  But I think it's human nature to constantly want to improve or strive toward something.  I know this is not a unique revelation by any means so please keep hold of those tomatoes please.

It's just that this thought process can be linked to our endless pursuit for "love." Our fear of loneliness drives us all to find "the one" but is it possible to actually prefer the means more than the actual end?

Clearly settling down with only one individual isn't everyone's cup of tea.  But what makes one more inclined to maintain their single status?  Is it age?  Occupation?  Commitment issues?

Being single for a while now, I thought my ultimate goal was to find someone I could develop a serious relationship with.  But I've recently been exposed to the concept of casual relationships. Usually induced by alcohol, they seem to be all the rage in the university realm.  They're exciting and spontaneous and almost always responsibility-free (with the exception of the occasional STD here and there and maybe an accidental pregnancy).  They're convenient mostly because you can satiate your loneliness without the commitment and effort of a real relationship.  And if you enjoy treating the guys/girls you meet like ice cream flavors, then by all means, have at it

Since I do looove ice cream, I have tried this strategy and find that it really is everything it's hyped up to be.  I just don't know if I can stick with it.  For me, it's the best way to feel discontent.  I think the only thing worse than being lonely, is being lulled into a false sense of companionship.  At the moment, when my life has completely shifted hemispheres, I'm just looking for some constancy.

Eureka!

As shocking as this may seem, I believe I have found an answer to my previous question.

In this short week of uni orientation (O Week), I have become quite the alcoholic.  Okay don't get too riled up just yet.  By that, I just mean that I've gone out drinking almost every night.

Seeing as beer is the cheapest drink over here, it has become my beverage of choice whenever we go to bars.  I used to hate the taste and wonder how people could even enjoy it.  But as with durian, caviar, and other seemingly unappealing foods, beer is an acquired taste.  Now, I revel in the smooth, slightly bitter, frothy, fizzy feelings I get from a tall, cold one.

Beer is also the most social drink.  Here, splitting a jug is the cheapest option when going out.  It's also a way to meet new people if you all split one or offer to buy one for the table.  And even though I don't particularly advocate the standard of buying a girl a drink if you're interested, it is the most casual and affordable option.

I know people complain about how filling it is and the copious amounts one needs to consume to get drunk, but both those grievances are actually solutions to my problems.  Since it's filling, I pace myself really well.  And even chugging it won't leave me in the side of an alley spewing my intestines out.

Despite my frequency of drinking this whole week, I never felt sick.  I was perfectly buzzed, maybe a little bit more.  But every time was enjoyable.  And beer helped me limit myself.  So for that, my liver thanks me.

Thirsty?

Last night I went out with my cousin and his roommate to this restaurant called Long Grain which is the best Thai restaurant in Australia.  It's really upscale and super expensive.  But my cousin's roommate is a chef there so we got a discount and some free food which is always nice.  In addition to my meal, I also had some alcohol to wash it down.  A glass of wine and a vodka/gin/Pimms cocktail.  Why?  Good question.  Let's try to answer that, shall we?

Taste.  Who doesn't love a good isopropyl flavoring?  Although my cocktail contained various juices and kiwi vodka, the alcohol taste was still quite apparent.  The wine was quite fruity as well but there was still that uncomfortable burning sensation at the swallow which most drinkers revel in for some reason.

The price.  Since it's expensive, it must be good right?  I dished out $16 for my cocktail and didn't even pay for the wine since it was a bottle but since it was a bottle, I'm sure you can do the math.

The after-effects.  Blurry vision, impaired motor skills, and fever-like symptoms are always my goal.  Sure, the buzz is interesting for a while.  But since I lack the enzyme which breaks down the alcohol, I get burning hot and red in the face.  I can feel every heart beat in my chest at the pace of a marathon runner.  Then after a while, I get dizzy and nauseous and dehydrated.  My only cure is to lie down and eventually pass out.

So why you ask?  I'll let you know when I find out.

Pushover? If You Say So.

So I noticed just now--like this second--that for some reason, if I hear important information that I don't understand right away, I just nod and say "right" or go with the mhmm.  In that moment, I just figure that I'll replay and process the information later.  Why do I do this?  It makes my life so much harder because I don't process it later since I don't know what was even said!

Example:  Looking at houses today, I always ask how far the store is for groceries.  And I always get a really nice, detailed response but do I actually know where I can get groceries now?  That would be a negative.

Part of this habit stems from my lack of assertiveness.  Not that I'm a wet sponge (is that even the right metaphor?) because I will let someone know if they're stepping on my foot.  Heck, I'll even go out on a limb and ask for directions when I'm lost.  But for the most part, I just feel bad inconveniencing people.  I don't like to ask too many questions.  A flaw in my personality I suppose.  I'm just a people-pleaser.

Oh and just to be clear, for now this blog will focus more on my random thoughts or observations of the day.  If you're REALLY curious about the nitty gritty of my life (doubt it), I'll be documenting more of my personal encounters in http://think-happyness.livejournal.com.  But yeah, I wouldn't waste my time either.

Stranger Danger

As promised, I'm actually writing an entry when I said I would, even though my body would love nothing more than to pass out.  Today was a long day.  But despite the missed train(s), wrong bus stops, and copious amounts of land I had to trek through, I actually had a lot of fun.  Australians are very friendly and quite willing to help out a poor, lost American it seems.

On my journey over here though, I had a conversation with a woman from Washington D.C.  Interested in my violin, she inquired about it, mistaking it for a saxophone (hah).  I told her I was headed to Australia to study.  She assumed I was studying music and got really excited because she's a professional singer.  Since I would probably never see her ever again in my life, I just let it be.  Explaining would be such an unnecessary hassle.

Now on trips like this, where I am by myself, I really don't mind conversing with strangers.  But sometimes I don't particularly want to think of anything engaging to say or ask especially when my medication is kicking in and all I want to do is zone out with my ipod.  So how do you transition from the awkward post-q&a session to the complete confirmation that the conversation is over?  Wait it out I suppose.  But this lady here had a friend that she would chat with so I was forced to sit awkwardly twirling my ipod headphones until she turned around and addressed me again.  I was at the mercy of her curiosity.  But no complaints really.  I'm usually too shy to strike up a conversation and most people are so absorbed in their own lives to be interested in mine anyway.  Unless there's some sort of catalyst (e.g. my violin/saxaphone), silence seems to be the optimal path.

Take 2

So I figure that since I'm starting over--in a different hemisphere no less--I should continue this trend online as well.  I started my livejournal at UM so why not start a blogger in Australia?  I'll still write in my LJ but that will probably be filled with more tedious aspects of my life.  It will serve more as my personal documentation than actual literary entertainment.

Writing in two blogs might actually prove to be more difficult than I perceive it to be so we'll see how this works out before I make any commitments here.

I'll begin recounting my Aussie adventures tomorrow as I'm still pretty jet-lagged and now actually get sleepy in the PM!  Guess it just takes a 20 hour flight and 9 hour layover to bring my biological clock back to "normal."  Although I'm thinking this will last just as long as my two blogs...